Bits of Her

me : shots in the dark : you

2012-01-19T09:04:00.001-08:00

me : I prefer the dark

hard to see you : you

me : you saw me in the dark before

where are you now?: you

me : somewhere in the dark wishing you could see me

me too : you

It ain't over

2012-01-19T08:58:00.000-08:00

My dad, 66 this year, has really begun to feel the sting of his own mortality. His friends have begun to pass away at an alarming rate. This week his best friend died of colon cancer, a few months back another had a stroke and just recently another went into the hospital with some mysterious illness and is hanging by a thread.
When we got word of his freind's passing there was this look on his face of utter disbelief and perhaps loss. Then the tears in his eyes. I have only seen my father cry once in my life. I couldn't handle it then and I cannot andle it now. I excused myself and went to my room and had my own moment of mourning.

Later, on Martain Luther King Day, he and I were watcing one of the many documentaries trotted out especially for the day when he sits back and looks hard at me says: "What an exciting life. I was born at the tail end of a war, witnessed a few other wars. I've seen assassinations, the rise and fall of governments, the creation and dismantling of gangs, civil rights ... " the man goes on and on...
I could only stare at him and say "Yeah".
The other day mom and I were sitting in her bedroom watching tv, dad was someplace else in the house. Suddenly there was this sound like a body hitting the floor my mother's head snapped up and my heart dropped. My father's been plagued with a heart condition for a little more than a decade, including a pace maker, so you know where our minds went, especially given the events of the past week. We both leapt up and stalked through the house calling out "Dad?" "Tommy?"

Dad was sitting in his office minding his own beeswax.
What was the sound? Balloons getting caught in the ceiling fan. The remnants of a party a few days ago.
That's not the point.
The point is my father reviewing his life has me taking stock of my own.
Amazing things have happened in my lifetime as well. I have done things that a lot of people I know haven't. It's been an interesting life, but I am far from finished.

This Be the Verse

2011-12-17T10:10:00.001-08:00

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
  They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
  And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
  By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
  And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
  It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
  And don't have any kids yourself.

-Phillip Larkin

shots in the dark

2011-12-12T15:52:00.000-08:00

an exchange between me and francis a few mornings ago.

eM:

brad meltzer does not blink. O__O

frankie:

Decoded is a great show but it's too speculative to be satisfying.

eM:

WORD!
I agree!
I was just watching the DaVinci episode and I said, to Pablo, "Why can't he just be a painter making commentary on the time that he was living in? I mean, does everything have to be a mystery to be decoded?"
Pablo just licked at the void between his hind legs in agreement.

frankie:

You should write essays like this.

eM:

*sigh* i know.

Things You do While You're Waitin' on Life...

2011-12-08T04:45:00.001-08:00

A few years ago I visited my cousin in New Jersey. She is a woman in her early 40's, very fit and in full control of all of her limbs and mental faculties. I offered to cook for her as thank you for letting me stay at her place so we took a trip to her local grocery store. To my horror this extremely capable woman sits in one of three electric scooters by the door, unplugs it and rolls off into the store.
I cannot even tell you how embarrassed I was. So embarrassed was I, in fact, that during the whole grocery store excursion my disapproval was extremely vigorous to the point that had she really been disabled would have seemed abusive.
She, however, was not fazed, she simply said "These are meant for customers, aren't they? Am I not a customer?" and she rolled along.
I could finish the rest of that story, but it was much the same all the way to the end: my disapproval, her unfazed shoulder shrugging.

Skip ahead...

A few days ago, my aunt and I took a quick trip into Target. It was the middle of the day in the middle of the week and so the store wasn't crowded. I was feeling particularly lazy and quite playful and took one of those scooters out for a spin while my aunt shopped. Why not? I sat down, unplugged it and took off.
It was exhilarating!
Honestly, I could have definitely walked faster than that scooter was going. Not to mention the thing would conk out in the turns, but it was the closest thing to being in a carriage.
Here's the funny part.
I was riding along the main aisle in the back of the store, where the bed sheets and vacuums were, after a few turns, the scooter started to slow down and then it stopped.
I suspect it was already running on low...but there I sat on a dead scooter in the middle of the main aisle in Target flicking switches, turning knobs and nothing was happening. Then just as I was about to abandon ship a sales associate, clad in Target red, comes along side of me and says very slowly and seriously, kind of like she was high, "Oooh, is it dead?"
I looked up into her very serious, hipster face with her ironic hair clip and she felt bad for me without a hint of irony! "Oh! Uh no, it just conks out a little."
She nodded, sympathetic "Did you want me to get you another one?" still speaking slow...why?
By this time I was feeling like a rat in a trap because she'd raised her little talkie thing to call for assistance and then the jig would be up! She would find out I was just some fat chick taking one of those buggies out for a joy ride while some deserving senior citizen was hobbling along with a walker and the basket I should have been pushing! I could have walked my happy hips around the store "No, no!" I said "I guess I can walk it back...but..." and then with the flick of one more switch the thing shudders back to life and I flee the scene...albeit slowly.
I returned the buggy, feeling kind of bad, but ready to do it again if I know I can get away with it!